Unnecessary worrying

The IVF coordinator called me Wednesday to check on me since I hadn't come in for the blood test on Monday. I decided after the 3rd negative pregnancy test on Monday morning, the beta wouldn't be necessary. At that point I stopped taking all the medications. I didn't pick up the phone, because I wasn't ready to talk to her. Just listening to her message made me cry.

I spent the past few days agonizing over my decision to not get the beta and wondering if I'd made a huge mistake. If indeed the pregnancy test was wrong and I stopped my medication, I could possibly cause a miscarriage. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if that was the case. Then the more rational side of me emerged as I remembered all the other pregnancy tests I've taken with the same one line result. Plus I realized every past treatment had failed as well and this last attempt would be no different.

Last night my worries got the best of me and I started the medications again. I had been reading things on the stupid internet late into the night and decided I needed to take start taking my meds and save this potential phantom pregnancy. I planned to get a beta 1st thing this morning. I woke up after a few hours of sleep and realized I'd gone crazy and no blood test would be needed. Mother nature will eventually show up and I'll get on with the rest of my life.

I did call back the IVF coordinator yesterday and said my goodbyes to her voicemail. She called me back today and said all sorts of sweet sentiments as I choked back tears and whispered thank you. She informed me I made the right decision and not to worry. So it's done. Everything is done and over. I can stop worrying.

I still have my moments. Kyle actually had me smiling and laughing last night for the first time since Monday. He left today for a golf tournament with some friends/co-workers, which included my brother. I was sad to see him leave, as I find great comfort just by being near him. He was a little hesitant to leave as well, since we rarely spend time apart, outside of our regular schedules. I think we both realized how much we've been leaning on each other these past few days, let alone the past five years.

I'm going to try my hand at tiling our bathroom while Kyle's gone...with my wonderful dad's help of course. We have some beautiful travertine tile that was left over when my brother & sis-in-law built their new home a couple years ago. It will be a great distraction for so many reasons, but I'll still be counting the hours until Kyle comes home.