Letting go

There are so many things going through my mind, I've found it very difficult to put into words exactly how I feel. I truly don't know where to begin. Even after years of failure and disappointments, I'm still in shock. I realized Saturday night I've been holding onto all the remaining medicine from the initial IVF & subsequent FETs. I don't need it anymore but I can't quite let it go. I think if I throw it away, reality will arrive. I feel by keeping it, there's still hope. I'm not ready to let it all go...

Even with each passing failure, I knew there was always a "next time." After the failed IUIs I knew we still had the all powerful IVF to try. After the initial failed IVF, I knew we still had 5 frozen embryos. After the 1st failed FET, I knew we still had 2 frozen embryos. After the 2nd FET, I still had hope. Now we have nothing. We reached the end and I've lost all hope. I'm left with no explanation as to why. I'm looking for something to blame, some way to let go of my resentment and anger. The tears come freely and without warning. The sadness is all too familiar, but the anger is not. I'm not sure how to let go of the pain.

This entire process has isolated us. Most people around us don't understand and seem to simply not care. It's not their problem; they have children. Some people have said they don't know what to say, so they say nothing at all. They avoid the problem by pretending it doesn't exist. We don't expect people to understand completely, but I wish they would acknowledge our struggle and be willing to listen. We're not expecting advice, just an opportunity to vent our frustrations. Hence this blog...

I guess I'll never really know what I'm missing out on. I've dreamt about all the things I've seen others experience. I've seen pictures of ultrasounds and pregnant bellies. We knew if we were ever successful, we wouldn't share those things publicly because we wouldn't want to hurt someone else going through infertility. Kyle has accepted the finality of the process, but I'm still coming to terms with the outcome. I have to find the internal switch that turns off my immense desire to be pregnant. It took us 5 years to come to this conclusion, but at the age of 28, we are officially infertile.

Figuring out where to go from here...