It's over forever

Kyle and I had a very serious and painful discussion over the weekend. He told me recently he didn't want to try anymore; he was ready to give up and move on with our lives. I respect his feelings, but I'm having an extremely hard time accepting that our battle has come to an end. He said he's become a person he doesn't want to be because of the stress and anguish of infertility. I've changed as well and he wants me to be the person I was before we used infertile as a term to define us. He wants us to put the effort into our marriage and focus on being happy again. Somewhere down the line we'll transfer the final two embryos so as to be sure they're not disposed of.

I find myself on the verge of tears almost constantly. I wanted to try the IVF once more, but Kyle feels like it would be too stressful. I knew one day we would have to give up. I understand after 8 failed IUIs, a failed IVF and failed FET, there isn't much hope that anything would ever work. I'm not ready to give up, but for the sake of a better marriage and a healthy relationship with Kyle, I guess we have to. All the dreams of first birthdays, graduations, weddings and grandchildren are gone. I'll never have the chance to create a nursery. I'll never hold our baby in my arms or rock them to sleep. The names we picked out when we first got engaged will never belong to someone. There are endless things I'll never get to do.

The only thing I've ever wanted to be was a mom. I never imagined my life would turn out like this. It's an indescribable pain that I feel. Maybe one day we'll be able to look back on this and understand why. For now, I can only weep and make the feeble steps to move forward.