A little less wtf & a little more :)

A few weeks have passed since the final infertility failure. Tomorrow will be a month since our final try. Every day is a little different. Some days pass by easily, while others remind me of all that we've lost. Today was one of those days.

Someone who knew of our struggles asked me the other day how it was going. I told her we were no longer trying IF treatments. She asked me how I felt and before I could stop myself I said, "I'm pissed." And I thought I was working through my emotions. When people ask I always try to find something positive to say and I say it with a smile on my face. That simple question made me realize I'm far from over it.

Today was full of everything about babies, pregnancies, ultrasound pictures, and due dates. I wanted to run away. When will I be over it? When can I hear people talking about babies and pregnancies and not want to break down crying? When can I write a blog that is positive and happy and hopeful without tears streaming down my face? I don't want to feel this way, but I'm not sure I'll ever be able to join a conversation about pregnancy and all that is related. I've become an outcast in that respect.

I know these feelings can't last forever, but I know I'll always carry these scars on my heart. It's difficult to have any form of a friendship with women my age. I can't talk about the same things as them or share stories. I don't have any advice or suggestions. I suppose that's why I'm far more comfortable around guys. No talk about babies, just sports. That I know a lot about.

And at the end of the day I realize what I do have. I'm married to my best friend who I love with every ounce of my being. Right now I live my life for him and for our future. Speaking of which, last night we decided to start taking the steps to begin the adoption process. I'll start by making the 1st phone call on Monday.

Ready for a new beginning...