mEnTaL hEaLtH?!?

Nothing is ever easy when it comes to infertility. Just when I thought we could proceed as we hoped, I get some bad news. My cardiologist is saying he only wants one embryo put back. When I called his office to get this clarified, I could only speak to his nurse. So I called my IF Dr. and am waiting for a call back to determine what was decided. I think the issue lies in that my cardiologist doesn't understand that we aren't trying to get twins, we just want to increase our chances. Hopefully when I speak to my IF Dr. this will be sorted out. Either way, we're still sticking to our plan to put two back because ultimately, it's our choice.

In the end when I am holding our child, I want to be able to look back at this and think I handled myself with grace. I put on a happy face when I'm around everyone and act like everything is just fine. But when I get home, the burden of infertility hits me hard. My heart aches constantly and I break out in tears over the littlest things. I'm not sure how to handle all of it and I hate myself for feeling the way I do. I can't control how I feel about things and I need help with that.

We are going to start seeing the shrink again and I know he'll help me find ways of coping. We started seeing him when Kyle was having a lot of stress at work and some "people" were disruptive to our well being. He was a life saver and helped us strengthen our marriage immeasurably. At the time when we were meeting with him we were in the very initial stages of infertility treatments and thought we had it all figured out. I remember him asking a lot about of infertility, but I brushed it off as no big deal, thinking it would be solved easily. We are both looking forward to talking with him again and I'm more than ready to get my mental health back.

I'm at the point where I need the last push to gain the perspective where I don't give a damn. I need to be in the state of mind where my heart doesn't break every time I hear someone else is pregnant. It's not that I'm not happy for them, I'm just saddened for us. We'll have our chance one way or another.

By the end of the month we should be starting the hormones for the FET cycle. And hopefully by around the middle of June we will be planning for the transfer. We need this to work so badly! In the meantime, appointments with the shrink, weekly massage, and yoga! Hoping time flies by...